Food and cooking and eating it 

Chinese rice

 we have our own special recipe, passed down through both time and space, bastardised in a kitchen too small to be of use at parties, and then constrained by lack of ingredients, cooking ability and various cooking implements. But it's quite edible and nutritious, just need to learn how to cook it on me own (properly)

Here's wot it looks like (with a little too much peas and sweetcorn!)

BBQ’s

One thing I definitely like to think I do well is the BBQ. Generally my specialty is the good old fashioned burger, no ordinary burger mind you. But, depending how much time I have or how much I can be bothered there are several classic dishes on offer at my BBQ’s.

I also believe that you should be able to not only taste the food but be able to chew it (easily). I do not subscribe to the school of BBQ’ers who like a bit of ‘texture’ to their carbonised meals (yes, that’s you Jimbo). Then again accidents do happen.

Implements required

• The spatula  - the bigger the better (here’s a pic of my preferred tool)

• A knife – you nearly always need one, sharper the better

• BBQ sauce – it’s a must

• A plate? – they do some in useful, sometimes

• The BBQ – gas is easy but boring, charcoal gives the best taste but takes far too much faffing (lighter fluid IS cheating, firelighters are where the skill is needed), disposable ones are good, cheap and easy but remove some skill. You makes your choice and takes yer chances. The best combo I’ve found is a non-disposable type bbq + BarBQuick instant light charcoal sachets, combines the best bits from both worlds, in my mind. Here’s my current weapon of choice.

• The dedicated assistant – females are naturally the better assistant (they look better, smell better, are more patient and can generally cook, just don’t let them try and light anything-that’s mans work, besides I get way much more a thrill out of fire). Finding an assistant is not usually too much of a challenge as you are normally cooking for more than just yourself and people generally believe that if they have a hand in something it will happen sooner – especially concerning food.

The burger

They don’t have to be special burgers; I have bought from a variety of places before. The best value/taste combination has to be the ones from Makro, you can only buy them in packs of about 20, but they are a good sized quarter pounder which don’t shrink or spurk out oodles of fat. Failing that the decent sized ones from Sainsbury’s are good (the 2 varieties from the meat counter – apple and pork or steak burger – are very nice and cheap, but they are not very big). The only real issue you have is that bigger is better, they always shrink a bit! 

Buns:

The best are ‘morning rolls’, cheap, not too much flour – what more do you want? Always white breaded variety, none of this wholegrain non-sense. Sesame seeded ones are optional, but make the best mess. 

Preparation: 

Little required, you can marinate them if you like (don’t use bbq sauce for this!) use something with a slight spice to it cos the bbq sauce will sweeten them significantly. It takes a good day or 2 to do it properly, so dedication, planning and non-Aberdonian weather is required. 

Cooking: 

Clart them in BBQ sauce (don’t go too overboard) slap ‘em on the grill, making the first turn after a couple of minutes (stops them sticking and the sauce caramelising). Turn them every so often until the bbq sauce goes a little carameled/black and they generally look good. Don’t leave them on much longer than that or they’ll lose all their juices and become tough/dry/eugh.

Make sure there is a reasonable heat on the grill, not blazing hot, or they will go very black very quickly (sometimes that just happens!). 

Stuff to add: 

Whenever possible I typically add some sliced raw red onion on top of mine. You can cook the onion on the grill, in some tin foil, it takes a while, so you’re better leaving it on the whole time you’re cooking the burger just at the side though.

I find that a slice or 2 of bacon really makes the burger, it can be very hard to cook it on the bbq though. Bacon can just go straight from uncooked to blackened to a crisp within about 5 minutes, so either stick it on last and watch/turn it every few mins, or find a cooler spot on the grill!

Chicken 

I’m never too keen to cook chicken on the bbq, as I fear poisoning myself or other people, but I worry too much. I’ve not killed anyone yet, anyway. 

You can do lots with it, the simplest being the BBQ’s Chill-chicken. All that is involved is coating the chicken breast in BBQ sauce, sticking it on the grill, sprinkling some suitably spicy powdery stuff over it, turn over and repeat. It’s all a matter of taste though. Cook till you’re satisfied it’s done, again the bbq sauce is a good indicator. 

Serving in a bun with some sliced onions always works, or a on a plate with nowt else. Your call.

Lamb Kebab things 

You get these great lamb kebabs from the supermarkets, I think Tesco’s or safeway do them. They are great. I think they are called ‘Greek Style’ but I’m not 100% sure. Anyway they are cheap and require no preparation. Cook till you think they are done and enjoy.

Corn on the cob 

Mmmmmmmmmmm, tis good. Requires a bit more preparation than my normal BBQ, but it’s not that taxing.

Par boil the cobs and take them to the grill, lavishly coat them in BBQ sauce and put them on a cooler bit of the grill. Turn them as appropriate. They take a while to cook, don’t rush them  as they burn easily. Just as, preferably just before the outer bits of corn start to separate, consume. The bbq sauce is again a great indicator of when they need turned – when it begins to go black.

Ribs 

I never put much effort into these. You can (and should) marinade them for a few days in a suitable sauce. I tend to just buy the Chinese flavoured ones, shove them on, voila. They take a while to cook, are a pain to turn and leave you with those attractive bits between your teeth, oh and sauce all over your face, glorious. But they aren’t that expensive so what the hay, makes a change from burgers.

Sausages 

Now, sausages are not that easy to cook on the BBQ, if you have a non-runged grill anyway (i.e. anyone using a disposable). You get mixed results and they are not my most favourite thing to cook. You need to cover them in BBQ sauce, as with all my dishes, but aside from that they’re not exactly hard to cook.

The best variety I’ve found so far has to be the chipolatas from the ‘taste the difference’ range at Sainsbury’s. Them’s nice.

Processed Meat 

There are these ‘Chinese BBQ Steaks’, I assume they are pork, they taste great, as do all processed meat products. You are never quite sure of the cat-tail content of the meat though, but don’t let that affect your enjoyment of them. *Can only be bough frozen (speaks volumes)*