11/12/05

My vitals are here the more interesting/weird/pointless stuff is below

My thoughts on: Where How Why future you toons Feeding Bearding women Desires Relationships uni Me Drink World Politics Work Not Real Bah! Synopsis!

Addendums (in chronological order, for those who don't want to read it all again!): sunglasses theory Modern Marriage? girls Languages Memory sleep washing up

Disclaimer: I wrote a lot of this in an attempt to stop me speaking quite so much shite in real life. I also felt quite scorned at the time. SO don’t bother being critical when reading this, if you have issue with anything I put down, fair enough, mention it to me, but it’s not meant to be taken seriously; so there is no point taking offence or slagging me off, for that matter! Also since this is my website, I can be as self absorbed as I like, isn't that the whole point????

Meh

The real irony being that if you got here, you obviously know me, so why would you read this?

If anything, this is just a place for me to moan/rant/discuss with myself, myself. But I'll use it as an escape and a place to either prove or disprove I'm the person you think I am. I’m not aiming to write all this shite in some semi-cryptic undertone, so that only those who have known me understand what I’m going on about, although it reads like that, lol. I am trying to avoid naming and shaming, that’s not the point; I’m just trying to express what little I’ve gleaned from it all, so far. I won’t share intimate details about things like relationships; I don’t think it’s right and I think doing that somehow devalues whatever you’ve shared (I wish more people got that).

I think that, as with most people, I proclaim to be misunderstood and am not. I do know that very few [I fear none] have known me for who I am. There's no-one to blame but myself for that one; who have I really let in? I think I’m trying to write what I feel or think, being a guy (my only excuse) it ain’t easy to say it right.

The hard thing about trying to define/describe yourself is that all you can think about is how other people see you - kinda defeats the point, don't you think?

To define me, I suppose you'd have to take a look from my perspective (this is where things start to come under the banner of 'for me' cos I really need to think a lot of this out):

Where do I find myself? How did I get here (let the water hold me down, hehe)? Why am I here (not the DEEP philosophical argument, yet, although I'll work up to it)? Where am I going? Who do I want with me along the way?

In an attempt to define me, I'll take them one by one, in a long flowing melancholy of self perpetuating me-ness, woohoo.

My definition

An interesting question, ‘define ones self’? It only hit me after writing (I should say moaning) about a lot of stuff that if you ask a kid to describe itself then it normally says ‘I am xx yrs old, live here, like blue and have a younger sister’. Or something along those lines - it’s quite succinct. They don’t bother with internal reflection, attempting to define what kind of person they are. It’s all about physically what they are like with a little bit of their personality rubbed in (the favourite colour bit). Kids are cool like that. For me then, the above statement is true. Maybe that’s all I need to worry about. As long as I know all that type of info, I don’t have to worry if it’s accepted, or not. Nah, where’s the fun in that? At least I’ve never done the ‘I don’t know who I am’ thing that an alarmingly large number of people seem to manage. It all comes back to being stable (ßme), I may think about a lot of unnecessary stuff but I have a fair grasp of the basics and don’t let the other stuff affect me (much). I’ve still got to tackle the self confidence with women thing though (woo, finally managed to bring it round to them, you knew I could). I just make it a point to bring every rant round to women, somehow. Although at least I don’t use women to define who I am, maybe I should? I know I’ve ended up being someone I didn’t like because of some gf’s, can they have this great an affect on you? Maybe I’ll know the right one because she won’t make me any different a person from being with her.

Where am I?

Ignoring the obvious answer of Sunny Aberdeen, Scotland.... I find myself in a fairly decent job, that does little for me as far as personal reflection is concerned; where I can see the flaws of everyone and every system around me and no means, nor drive to change any of it. The only thing that keeps me interested is the ability to affect my small patch of a very large machine and the vain hope that I will get to spend time with those few that enlighten the corporate darkness, with the slight possibility of meeting more people like them. *sigh*

How

How did I get to this amazing palace of self fortitude? no idea. Woke up one day. by accident. It seems like one stop along a very long road to where-ever I'll end up. The less complicated answer is: school (learned to enjoy it way too late)> uni (got more out of it as a person than academically, lol, I'll cover than in another section) > bumming around at my old job till something else with better prospects popped up <---basic chronology for the last 10 years. (notice I didn't mention girls?)

Why

As for why I am here, well it's by choice I suppose. I've met some who talk about ending it all; which I find a bit depressing and a stupid idea. I don't see that as an escape - all you do is pass on your problem to someone close to you - how's that for a guilt trip to prevent suicide? Then again the people who think like that feel worthless and that no-one cares for them anyway, so who am I to try and convince them otherwise? Aside from probably being one of the ones who they are close to, of course! This one is a tough one for me, recent events have left me a little worse-for-wear. The only rationale I can gather is that half the point in being here is to share whatever experiences you can gather with someone. My long standing mantra has been 'have fun while you can' (even if Michael mistook that for Hedonism when we were younger), but whenever anyone asks you why should do something my answer will always be "because I can" - it's the best reason to do anything. I probably come off very sentimental in this long paragraph, thankfully some see it as romantic, I haven't decided I just know it's not my fault, it's the way I feel.

I am going?

My journey will be long and hard, there will be humps, bumps, highs, lows and uncontrolled sections where I have no idea what will happen - hopefully things will be entirely outwith my control. Have I told you I'm going to live forever? Seriously, I have no plan, I have no aim other than my main goal: to enjoy life. I don't think I lack ambition, or forward vision, it's just that seeing any further than the not to distant future seems foggy. I envy those people who knew in school they wanted to be a doctor or a soldier or an engineer. As I said before I got here by accident and through little fault of my own, I fear that where-ever I end up will be through the same mechanism.

Who are you anyway?

And who should join me on this stupid, pointless, exciting, amazing, frantic, disappointing and surprising journey? there are so many people in the world, I have met but a few (sounds lame), it still surprises me how many are not worth knowing. So many are self absorbed (heh, look at me writing all this) or evil in some way, looking out for no-one but themselves and their own self interest. Of course that's a bit hypocritical, if I was being fair I'd make the time to get to know them before dismissing them as not worth knowing and I have been caught out on this on but a few occasions. I guess everyone is the same, I just like to think I am a reasonably fair judge of character. I do, however, feel myself privileged to have known those few I consider true friends, only I know of whom I speak.

I'm not nearly done, but the rest I may have to save purely for myself. Ugh, I'm really self absorbed at this point.

Sunglasses Theory

Did you ever wonder about your perception of the world? You probably have. I have several thoughts on the issue, although I’m not sure I’ll get around to expressing them properly.

I know you are meant to try and see things from other people’s point of view, even just for the sake of arguments, but I think the idea is fundamentally flawed. My interpretation of everything from experiences to emotions to colours just HAS to differ from everyone else’s. How could you prove that they were same anyway? Would you want to? Back to the point (?). I have at one time or another found it hard to even try and see another person’s point of view; I have been in the position where I just fundamentally can’t fathom how they get from one experience to their conclusion. I’m NOT just talking about women here either! Maybe this also covers why I don’t know why there are so many arseholes out there, but I digress (again). So I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone’s perception is different, pretty obvious you might think, but that’s not really where I was going with this. I have these sunglasses, they are great, they aren’t hugely dark but are extremely effective, taking the glare and painful brightness out of those sunny days you only ever get elsewhere. The glasses also have a mirrored type exterior, meaning no-one can see my eyes, reassuring – I can assure you. The glasses aren’t that dark, as I’ve said, but they do have a green tint and they magnify everything just a little. The lenses are also slightly curved, which ever so slightly changes the view you get. When you add all of these visual effects, even though they are all only slight, the overall effect is such that things look just that little bit different, skewed I suppose. And now back to the point. You don’t really notice much difference when you put the sunglasses on, it’s usually just a relief, but after you’ve been wearing them for a while and you take them off, the difference is quite strange.

Things look quite different. Proportions are slightly different, colours aren’t the same and ultimately it left me with the question: ‘Have I been seeing things the way they actually look?’ Another liberating feature bestowed by the magic glasses, is that I can look wherever I like, without getting caught, this definitely changes the way you view the world, lol. But then you take them off and so I’m left to question my own perception, if I can alter it that easily, is what I see really what anyone else sees? If I move onto my theory that everything is a comparison then the sunglasses shouldn’t make any difference – if I wore them all the time. But I don’t. So, I’m stuck with how I see the world, even if I can borrow someone else’s glasses every now and then, the effect is short lived. 

Cartoons 

Some cartoons are ace, others are dire. Typically they all rot your brain, but are far healthier than soaps. I think the fact that there was a university course on a cartoon exemplifies just how purposeful they are (if you’re interested Napier university certainly used to run a module on ‘The Simpsons’ and their reflection of society and the state of our culture, I don’t know if it’s still part of a syllabus though). But seriously, did I just call cartoon purposeful? Really, some of them are just ace. I like the current trend in cinematic cartoons; they take after the likes of The Simpsons, which displays almost ‘adult’ content in a child-like format. Excellent.

However, it is a little strange, to me, that such trivial children’s fantasies seem to be a key part of shaping us as adults. The helped teach us: right from wrong, how to count, how you could always tell the bad guys cos they wore black or were ugly…

Talking with people from my own age group almost always gets to: ’do you remember He-man’, or whichever cartoon is applicable. Ah, the cartoons of yesteryear were wholesome and exciting, I find a lot of the offerings on today’s TV dull and lifeless. Maybe I’m just old now, but they lack the fundamental cheesiness and moral high ground the ‘toons of old were rife with. Just don’t get me started on the likes of the Tweenies or the Teletubbies, eugh. (I know they aren’t cartoons, but they make my skin crawl). Bring back Danger Mouse and Bagpuss. That was decent TV.

I digress slightly, but after watching 3 hours of ‘The Magic Roundabout’ at about 5 in the morning, in the south of Spain, I did begin to question my sanity. Then again that’s a different generations ‘wholesome TV’, that must be why I didn’t get it? Or it could have been the drugs? 

The modern situation

 So, modern society, yeah? What’s the deal? There are lots of points to this topic, not all of them terribly relevant and certainly not all related (if you ignore the common theme, heh).

I think it’s a little funny (both strange and haha) that if something is described as ‘popular’ more often than not I’m likely to find it crass? Funny that. It would be easy to simply say that the population, at large, is just simply not that bright, hence easily entertained or subdued, but I somehow doubt that to be true. Maybe it’s to do with education rather than intellect, or the distinct shortage of decent people I’ve found? Who knows? The average level of today’s culture just seems to be so base and low. Humiliation and removal of dignity seem to be what passes for ‘popular’ entertainment at the moment. Then again people, as a group, are stupid – ask any riot control officer.

The drinking culture of the UK is quite depressing, I mean it is seen as being social and normal to go out on a Saturday, get wasted, wind up in a fight and then laugh about the following week, telling your mates either how you ‘beat the guy up’ or how ‘there were 3 of ‘em’!?! Does that not seem a little, erm, unfulfilling? I do realise that there is more to it (trying not to be a hypocrite here), I think the ‘justification’ for that lifestyle is the social factor and the idea that the focus is spending the time with your compatriots, it just seems to me that predominantly the aim is to be drunk, not sociable. I mustn’t forget the ulterior motive of women hunting, another depressing point that the easiest way to meet people is to get drunk enough that you don’t car if you make a fool of yourself, ahem. The Europeans (in general) have this figured out a lot better; they have a far more elegant approach, that of bars, not pubs, of refined drinks, not beer/booze/alcohol flavoured water. But it’s not a ‘where and what’ argument, much more about ‘how’. How they go about it, or don’t go about it as the case may be. Nah, it’s the drinks. I think my main gripe is that there seems to be little on offer other than a trip to the pub, on a Saturday night. This might be my failing, or that of my peers, but that is my society and I need something to blame!

It’s funny how things have changed, within living memory and they have changed, a lot. I know what you’re thinking: “the more things change, the more they stay the same” and you’re right. I’m not even talking about fashion; it fulfils the statement “what goes around, really goes around”. Just breaking things down a little, the various decades have really defined themselves nicely:

•  40’s - war, then post war, then lots of kids

• 50’s - post war still, very conservative the nuclear family, then discovering rock and roll, invented rock and roll though

• 60’s - forgotten about the war, rock and roll, free love, The Beatles, drugs, generally a more liberal approach to life

• 70’s - fashion gets a bit silly, the computer is invented, technology makes a difference, real drugs kick off

• 80’s - Getting heavily into technology now and new narcotics, AIDS is invented, so was I.

• 90’s - The world revolves round the internet, people seem to be wising up a little, responsibility is back on the cards.

• 00’s - Well here we are, half way through, not much seems to have changed, but things work better now. Global warming isn’t a theory anymore with terrorists and American’s dominating the airwaves.

 And so here we are sitting in the middle of the ‘naughties’, with heightened global tension and a more liberal and understanding world then ever before. Sounds a bit like a contradiction to me. But we can take this further - you have to admit that today people seem very confused. I am of course talking about pretty much everything. Everything from sexual persuasion to who people are, seems to be up for debate or question. I wonder if in times gone by, in a ‘less accepting’ society, if things were simpler? Take the gender roles - great way to know who you are, uncomplicated, unassuming – just ‘I am of this sex, so I am here to bla bla bla…’, well sort of anyway. Good to see that effectively limiting your choices makes people contented (not). I doubt it made much difference, but at least you didn’t have to worry about the smaller things, someone had already decided them for you. I guess I have the typical modern male dilemma: I have to be strong, brave and tough, yet I am also expected to be sensitive, introspective and in touch with my feelings. Bit of a contradiction, I thought. I bet the idea was invented to support the double standard, lol. But more seriously, there is a real issue here, for me. It typically all depends on the situation and how harshly I’m being viewed, but you can fairly easily find fault in most things I do, just from a social stereotype point of view, at least. I get the feeling I’m being too general here; I’m mostly still talking about gender roles and everything from opening a door for someone to paying for dinner. I’m never sure if I’m allowed to do things like that. I’m subsequently left feeling envious that women have the choice of whether or not to embrace the modern ideals – it’s accepted that they can choose to be career driven and independent, or settle down in a home and live a family life. I don’t really feel I’ve got that choice; I have to be all the things expected of me, or else I’m un-reasonable or there’s something wrong with me. Sigh. Funny thing - equality.

 Thinking about equality, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a nice idea, but like most idea’s it’s taken to extremes and normally done so by people who don’t fully grasp the concept. The only thing I really want to moan about is clothes. When I go to work, it’s shirt and tie with smart trousers, no option. I want to be able to wear my sexy black top and tight jeans – it’s such a double standard. Of course I’m not complaining when I see some of the women in their sexy tops and tight clothes, but that’s not my point. If people are striving to eliminate in-equality, why does this disparity not flick up on radar? I suppose issues such as fair pay and rights might be of higher importance, but to me they are far less visible and I want to be able to exercise the rest of my wardrobe!

The food 

To me, if Chinese food and barbeques had to fight it out, I don’t know who would win. I know that there would be a potato in the crowd cheering them both on, but really how could you choose between them?

On the one had you have all the interesting colours and tastes, not to mention textures of the oriental menu. With spicy and sweet things all mixed together, plus a whole host of tastes that shouldn’t collide, somehow doing so.

Then in the other corner you have fiery, flame-grilled goodness, oh and the fact you get to play with fire.

How can they compete? (really!?!)

Well they can’t, so I make it my mission to partake in as many meals of either as I possibly can. Long gone are the days of old, when a plate of chips constituted a wholesome meal. I now demand a carrot too.

Now if we could just figure out how to barbeque Chinese food….mwuahahaha 

Beards

Apparently I need to talk about them. They don’t play a big part in my life, so I don’t know if there’s much to say. Ever since I could, I’ve had a bit of one, mainly because I can, even if it does look silly at times.

I am contemplating taking it off, maybe just some of it, I’m just worried that not only that I may have got really fat since growing it (and that will show if it comes off) but there is a chance I no longer have an upper lip, these are the risks my friends, it’s not a pretty story.

I think a change is in order anyway. Everything else in my life has changed recently, so I might as well seize the moment, and there’s the possibility it’ll improve my appeal to the opposite sex? (I need a non-biased opinion on this, maybe it’s personal preference?) 

Women

Well, me and the girls have a chequered history; I am a guy and as such think they are both the most fascinating wonders on the planet and also the source of all pain and misery known to mankind. Then again this is me the hap(hope)less sentimental romantic – i.e. typical guy. 

I don’t understand them and I want to – the archetypal failing of me. Of course I blame them for this failing, as there is nothing I can do about it. 

I am not the typical bastard I’ve met so often, which is why I don’t understand my inability to get, or keep, the ones I think I want. I define the ‘nice guys finish last’ statement far too often. It’s sad. Besides I’m way too shy to talk to women, I mean something might happen?!? Nah I’m just pish at chatting folk up, hence the ‘accidental’ successes. I also think way too much about things, although I’m getting much better ;-)           (Unlike some people - L).  

Any luck I’ve ever had with the opposite sex has never been fully intended, it’s always been like that pool shot you think you’re gonna miss and it inadvertently goes in, you meant it to happen, but how much skill was involved compared to luck? And as such, I’ve never found that I get the girl I (consciously) deliberately go after.

If you talk about girls, you gotta talk about love. Again another place I’m stuck. I can’t define it, are you meant to be able to? Maybe that comes with practice. I’ve been in and out of it a few times, I think. Only really got hurt properly the once, still reeling from it tbh and don’t know if the feeling will ever go away. Getting hurt badly reassured me I could feel the pain (I always wondered if I could, as I’d never let it happen before), and for some perverse reason I can’t wait to feel the same way about someone new – someone worth it, you know the deal?! All the pain/hurt/heartbreak did give me time to realign my perception (I just like that phrase), more simply put – I think I get it more now and should of let it happen a long time ago. It makes you know what it’s all worth and what she really means to you. 

Women have, however, have helped me define the word AMBIVALENCE, I definitely understand the feeling fully. Not to be confused with indifference, it’s just they can make you confused. I’ve heard it said you can’t truly hate someone unless you’ve loved them, how’s that for a contradiction.

I have a lot to say on this stuff, largely brought about because of me thinking so much about certain people. I’m not going to say anymore, right now, because it’s a bit more personal and I don’t want to moan about it anymore, the less said the quicker it will pass – so I’m told. I AM Mr. Ambivalence.

Cool things about girls

I thought I might as well indulge in my maleness for a while, some of these things are probably gender generic, others are a matter of taste and some of them are just personal preference:

• I like the rosy cheeked women from cold winter days (thanks BH).

• It’s great when they steal your clothes; they always make them look cute or sexy. It’s a little kinkier when it’s your underwear, but that just makes them cuter and sexier. The ‘I hope you don’t mind’ statements are great, when relating to clothes.

• I love it when they cuddle, when they just want to cuddle, no other pretence or need, just wanting to be close to you, feels nice.

• The guilty/cute look when they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t have been, but don’t mind.

• The confidence they take when they know you’ll do anything for them.

• The shyness they get when they know you’re looking at them.

• The companionship and thoughtfulness they can give, without thought.

• The ‘just awake’ look.

• How they can make anything look nicer

• Girls just smell good.

• Playfulness.

 The things that drive you nuts, in the bad way

• The double standards

• The double standards

• Having no opinion

• The indecisiveness

• The constant need of something

• Not meaning what they say

• You have to guess everything

• Never being just happy

• Not accepting anything you say

• Complete, total and utter irrationality (not the cute kind)

• The ‘do I look good?’ complex – yes you look good, you look great, in anything!

• Demanding total attention 100% of the time (can’t be done, sorry. Oh and would I get it back? even if I wanted it? Backs up the double standard...).

• The ability to make you not angry at them anymore, by just looking at you.

• The guilt you feel when you don’t/can't give them what they want, even if it is the earth.

• The assumption that you are another girl so want to be privy to all that other stuff, sure some of it is insightful, some weird and cool, but some of it I’m just not built to deal with!

• The difference in priorities.

• Knowing they can, and probably will hurt you more than anyone else ever could (whether they leave and scathe you or they die and leave you alone all the same).

Girls’ desires 

No, not the deep seeded carnal type (!), but babies and marriage. It is definitely safe to say I’m way too young for both. I’m not adverse to the ideas, but really I’m not ready; I have way too many things yet to do.

These are things I plan to do way down the line, certainly within a 10-year plan, if I had one, but it’s yet to go that well in the love department to even let me contemplate this seriously serious stuff.

Mortgages and marriage are among the most impacting things you’ll ever do to your life. The biggest thing you can ever do is have a kid, that’s risking messing up a whole other persons life, not just your own!

I already have a mortgage (eek), so I guess I’m doomed by this point anyway, I just have to wait for a woman to come along and help me mess it up properly, honestly – I can’t wait.

I do think a lot of people rush into both babies and marriage, I’ve still never even been to a wedding, they have their reasons I suppose. Then there are those who just shouldn’t have a kid. I think there are some people who are changed by having kids, it sort of grounds them and makes them better people; these are the kind of folk who, from the outside, seem like the least likely parents. It must bring a whole new dimension to (your) life, scary stuff (at my age).

With all that said, it strikes me how I would not have been equipped to have a child at a young age (yes I know I’m still young and I’m a boy, so can’t have a child at all, but gimme a break). That’s probably why I don’t understand why anyone does or would want to have a kid at that stage in their life. I’m not criticising, I do realise it’s probably never that simple, thankfully I’ve never been in that situation. Maybe it’s just me. Am I being childish or grown up?

But really, unless you have to, why rush into these things? I have a great cop-out on this one: ‘Do it when you’re ready’. Unfortunately if you ever broach this topic with a female, my cop-out does not hold water. I’m not sure what the ‘right’ answer is, even if you’re in love with a girl, it doesn’t mean you want to get married, the 2 aren’t fused together. I think this is a mistake some make. It’s like trying to tell the difference between love and lust, they often are intrinsically linked but not necessarily the same. Duration of a relationship, does not necessarily denote marrige.

I’m a little too in-experienced to comment anymore on this stuff; I think I’m glad I haven’t had to seriously entertain any of it. I think you can tell that from what I’ve said and it probably means I’m wrong.

Marriage though, is something that has come up every now and then but not in any worryingly serious way. I think I’ve said already that I don’t understand people rush to do it but I firmly believe you know when it’s time. Even if I haven’t got there yet. What I don’t like is all the pressure, whether it be from the lucky lady or the peer group. I know T&M will both agree with that last one! But what is the deal with all the goddamn pressure?

I’m not sure I subscribe to the fairytale of girls being bread to languish over their wedding day, thus they impose this fantasy upon you, or at least they impose the responsibility of fulfilling it, great. But it does seem plausible. Then there’s that peer group, you know the folks who continually ask the same mundane ‘so when’s it gonna happen?’ type questions, note they ask ‘when’ not ‘if’, like the assumption that duration dictates marriage. What? is there a set time period after which it’s got to be marriage or death? Gimme a break! Sadly, and this is where I’m not going to come off too well, some things (relationships) are good, really good, but you know deep down that they are not going to last forever. Usually you try and make them last as long and as good as you can, but to me marriage ain’t the way to achieve that. Some people must not realise that, hence the high divorce rate especially in ‘young’ marriages.

This sort of nicely brings me onto the whole finding a mate thing. If you know something isn’t going to last forever, why keep it going? Shouldn’t you get out before both of you get hurt and better spend your time finding the one that will? Never happens, well for me anyway. I put it down to being a bit stupid and a coward when it comes to girls. But it’s still a big question. I know I don’t like being alone (more than apparent if you’ve read my whole rant), so that’s at least something of a reason. Another part is the growing experience, every relationship teaches me something new about myself and (hopefully) women. But I suppose a bigger excuse is that I tend to try and enjoy the moment, if it’s good then so what if it’s not going to last, enjoy it for what it is and everything it’s worth. Maybe I also hope it will last, even though I know it won’t. Should I bother? Since I know it's all going to end in tears? I could save myself some pain?

I really can’t wait for one that I feel WILL last, but knowing me I’ll probably get a fright and run away, lol!

You can’t help what you feel.

Washing up

It’s such a pain! I’m fine if I don’t make rice, I can then wash as I go, but as soon as I make rice, I fill the sink + more and it starts to pile up. Then I leave it about a week, blitz the lot and the cycle starts over again, oh for a dishwater (Porto Rican or otherwise). Washing clothes is a pain as well, not so much just the washing, but the drying and then ironing as well, they just seem to make the entire task not fun in any way. Although it’s the cyclic nature that bugs me again, as soon as it’s washed, it’s worn and needs washed again. Disposable clothes, that’s the future, I’m already tempted by the paper plate route.

Relationships

Well, these are fun. And they suck. And they are fun. And then they tear you apart at the seams, stamp on your heart and give you a kiss goodbye – only joking, err, well sort of. Apologies, that wee rant belongs in a previous section.

Relationships are what makes life worth living, to me, I am extending this precept beyond that of the realm of women. The experiences you share with others, the intimacies and the stories only you and your kin are party to, these are the only things of true value. No-one else can ever know what it was to truly be there or do something extraordinary and you will fail inexorably to share it, if the moment was missed. Sure, material goods are all good and well - they can themselves define the moment – but what you get from someone else’s being is far more than any tangible chair leg.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably realised I don’t get it.

Going back to girls slightly, relationships are something I’ve always been ok at; I mean: I’ve never sucked (I think). There are things I will change in the next one, but what can I say – I am learning!

I’ve never found the one that has lasted the distance (am I talking about a relationship or a girl here?). 2 that had prospects, both for different reasons, both had their downfalls, neither did everything right (one a lot more than the other). I don’t know if this was my fault, I fear it must have been, I know it at least partially was. At least I can now say I’ve hurt and been hurt, along the way, but it was never malicious, on my part anyway.

I think good relationships should be more of a partnership, where you share the burden of each others lives. You should have the freedom to do what you want, with only consideration for the other person, control is not an issue. The way I see it is that being single and being in a relationship shouldn’t differ hugely, you obviously can’t go out and pull someone, when you are in a relationship but it shouldn’t destroy your freedom, some people don’t get that. I suppose you sacrifice that extra bit of freedom for something worth having, if you have a good relationship. This is the bit I’ve always been able to do, maybe because I’m not a hugely jealous person or maybe I’m too trusting, my companions over the years have not always been so forgiving. It may be a girl thing? 

Companionship is one of the most important parts of a relationship, for me; I don’t understand couples who can go a week without seeing each other and not be bothered by it, but then again I have had a relationship where we couldn't stand being apart that long (try days); it put very unfair pressure on me and on the relationship, in some sort of attempt to fix it (not my idea!)? This is not part of my vision of ‘being there for one another’, certainly not a partnership. I think she realises that now. Bit too personal there, oops.

Something lighter

Uni. Well I thought I should talk more about it - the more I think about it, I realise how little I have remembered. Generally, times were good, it's a lost era now, feels like a lifetime ago, someone take these rose tinted glasses off me, will ya?!?

I met some really good/interesting people, drank some really silly things. I'm gonna dig out as many pictures and memories as I can find, will be worth it, post them somewhere. I got bored of being a student, it has to be said, being that skint for that long just pisses you off!! Besides I totally couldn't be arsed doing anymore work.

I got a lot out of uni, I think. I'd recommend it to most people, purely as a growing experience, even if you fail it horribly, don't  worry -it's not the point - just watch what you do in your first year ;-)

I think I was relatively content at uni - I had less troubles then, some call them responsibilities but they don't seem to have as much impact as to warrant such a large word. It passed all too quickly, lost too many friends along the way. Boooooo.

My glass collecting fetish has thankfully waned over the years, although with the new flat I may have to rekindle that flame! I do still have pangs for the odd traffic cone and my beer keg lives in the corner still.

It's safe to say I'm still a recovering student, I may never get over it, doh!

My biggest regret at uni is probably that trip down to the Galashiels union, even though Jimbo held my hand and took me back to my room - after a rollercoaster of a bus ride (once they found me in the toilets - well I WAS sleepy) - I still can't even stomach the smell of tequila, the memory of the 9th double still haunts me, only made worse by me remembering I was pretty wasted on beer/vodka before we started shots. I really liked tequila too....bugger.

Back to me (thanks Rach, great phrase)

“Things are going to get a lot worse, before they get worse” (borrowed from SL)

I never did properly define me. I think the fairest thing I can say about myself (a self coined phrase, I think) is:

‘I say what I mean and I mean what I say’

I’ve been caught out by this characteristic several times, as I can come across harsh, even obnoxious, gotta fix that, lol. But at least you know what you are getting with me. One thing that I dislike in others is the guessing what they really mean or discovering 2-headed-ness. Then again the first one of those is what usually peaks my interest with women (I am such a guy), no wonder I fail in that respect. 

I guess it's strange that I proclaim to not be very well 'known', if I'm so honest. I think you get an honest answer from me, but it doesn't mean I'm open about a lot of my thoughts or feelings - this harks back to my relationship rant, and the blame I apply to myself for my failures. I think from the attitude I display a lot of the time (as described above)  people see me as a fairly robust character, don't get me wrong I am (I think), but being seen as the self-sufficient one does mean you miss out on peoples compassion. As such I can think of only 2 or 3 individuals who have ever worried for me, is that a good thing?

I would say I’m an old soul, nothing to do with half the people who guess my age saying 27, not 23 – do I really look that bad? 

It’s strange I’m back to thinking what other people have told me they think of me, it paints as confusing a picture as women have done. I’ve been accused of being: funny, uptight, responsible, sarcastic, analytical, sweet, smart, wrong, lazy, persistent, laid back, (too) serious and goodness knows how many other conflicting things. It must just come down to how people see me, cos I can’t be all of them? Can I? 

I should make a forum or something? Get people to tell me anonymously what they really think? Nah, that would be dangerous, I feel low enough right now as it is! 

I’d like to think I’d be the one to stand by a friend, through anything, so far I have been there for anyone who needed me and hope to keep that trend going. I’ve never cheated on anyone, been tempted twice (offered maybe twice more, lol), I think, I turned them down both times – I don’t see the point in it, if you are willing to cheat on someone then you don’t deserve them.

Drink

Well this is covered mostly in another section (it will be eventually) but these are more my general views on drinking, the drinking culture and what it does to people, including me (Ahem - no brewer’s droop comments, please):

I’ve seen a lot of drink and drunks over the few years I’ve been around, whether it’s been friends, girlfriends, punters or feckwits in the places I’ve worked. For me drink doesn’t rob me of my sense of right and wrong, I do silly things – not plain stupid ones - and so far I live to tell the tales, so does my beer keg. I think I’m one of the few who deal with booze this way, maybe I just don’t (can’t) get as shitfaced as some?

Some people change completely when they are drunk, I don’t really understand it. I had a friend who was great fun when we were drunk, up to a point, then things would change and she would lose control, at my expense usually. Likewise, there are people I’ve known who turned very violent, wanting to hurt themselves or their mates for no apparent reason. There are also those that suddenly think playing chicken with cars is a suitable challenge – cos people vs. metal is a big contest? I still don’t understand the violence. Let’s go steal a policewoman. 

There are those who just become more like themselves the more they drink, that’s the kind of people I like to drink with, they don’t suddenly become unpredictable. I hope I’m one of these.

Sleep

Sleep is a strange thing, to me. I just find it odd that animals evolved with such a deficiency, hehe. I do enjoy my sleep, probably because of what little I get of it, but I also find it a pain – it wastes time. I’m frequently caught with too much to do and not enough time. But really, why design something that requires spending half its operating life inoperable? It just seems funny that we are forced to give up such a large percentage of our time here; it’s just one of the things you have to accept. It’s such a weird phenomenon too – you get too little or too much and you feel tired, it’s broken up and you feel tired, you eat a large meal or erm ‘exert’ yourself and you instantly want to pass out…

Then there are the benefits. You rarely feel better than when you wake up after a much needed deep sleep. Bringing me to the other major benefit, that being the time you feel better than waking up after a much needed deep sleep and that’s when you wake up with someone you’re in love with, beside you. Ahh, now that’s a good feeling. Other than to give my body time to repair all the damage I’ve done to it the day before, that’s pretty much the only appealing thing about sleeping. Ignoring the fundamental need I can’t avoid.

World Politics

Well I don’t care about local politics, let alone the international variety. I do think politicians are practised liars and very good actors. The most gifted public speakers in our generation, aside from Hollywood stars. I think the Americans are doing a bang up job of slowly ruining the world for the rest of us, managing to alienate every individual demographic/ideology one at a time.

My favourite analogy (stolen from somewhere, I forget where) for American international policy is:

“America is like a very large dog in a very small room (the rest of the world), every time it gets excited and wags its tail, it knocks everything over” 

More local stuff doesn’t interest me much, I think they are all as crooked as each other and there is no fundamental choice between one party and another, they should all make decisions based on what is ‘best’ for the country, in a perfect world, the reality is that the only tangible difference is what each of them thinks is ‘best’. Ho-hum. 

Languages

I have to admit I’m quite jealous of those bi-lingual/multi-lingual persons out there, I just am. I find it amazing, the barstewards! It’s also very sexy (I may be recollecting the French women I’ve known, hehe). These people have an ability I just have trouble comprehending, it’s definitely a life skill I want to gain, like playing guitar. Sadly, like the few cords I could once play, most of what I’ve known of other languages has dissipated and I’m unlikely to regain any ability, unless something fundamental changes (like my lifestyle or where I live, while a foreign – guitar playing – gf would be ace!). I just don’t get how they do it though, I struggle to articulate fully in one language what I mean, just think what a mess I could make of 2? They say you can truly speak a language when you start to think and dream in it, that would be cool. I guess I don’t have the dedication, of the inclination to learn either. Doh.

My other thought on language is: why do we have different names for the same things? I only mean common things like countries etc. It’s a bit hard to explain, but why do we have different names in different language for the same countries? Surely there is a definite commonality? I’m sure there’s a reason, I’ve just not researched it enough (well it is a REALLY burning question, isn’t it?). It’s a bit like why are people from The Netherlands called Dutch? Where does that come from? Answers on a postcard, please.

Work

You get 2 types of people in the world – those that divide people into 2 types and those who don’t. Hohoho. What I meant to say is that you get 2 approaches to living, as far as I’ve seen:

There are those people who live to work and then there are those who work to live. Not only do I love those statements that mean something completely opposite when you swap words round but I also fall into the 2^nd category. I know people who work their hearts and souls out in jobs they hate, just to earn a living, they are completely different animals when they escape the corporate slaughter house. These are the people who make the money, but are they happy (ignoring other issues)? Then there are those very few souls I’ve met, who deeply enjoy their job, they would do it as a past-time even if they didn’t get paid. They typically don’t make it big, although there are exceptions, but they derive satisfaction from their very trade, going to work is something they look forward to, I must envy them.

Memory

It is funny, the things you remember, or maybe I should make that the things you forget? I can remember the first time I met some people (years ago) and yet I can’t remember the last time I saw others, how odd. The memory is a strange thing. Honest. People frequently remember things differently, which leaves me to question what I remember. I remember the strangest things. I like to think I have a reasonably good memory but I find some people just make me block out the good or bad experiences when I cast my mind back; to that extent I also find I can have a selective memory. Meh, I blame them, it can’t be me, can it?

Those rose tinted glasses are a dangerous contraption. Not to mention the self-doubt you can arrange for yourself, if you think about things just that little bit too much (I tend to).

I do find that after a relationship, after a while, once all the pain/anger/distrust have subsided, not only does the questioning really begin but I also whip those heavily tinted glasses out. I have to try quite hard to remind myself of the flaws that lead to this conclusion; it helps to hate her, if you can remember how.

So I find it strange that you can remember some things with complete clarity, word for word, blow for blow but others seem to haze over or be forgotten entirely. Usually it’s the things you want to forget that haunt you the most, typical. Maybe that’s what they call regret?

I try not to do regrets. I’ve been trying for ages to just do ‘accepts’, it works to a degree, pushes the hurt away a little bit more. Meh again.

Now is the point where I have to try pretty hard not to discuss intimate details, the temptation is very great, but I’d rather praise or stab at them personally and there is no value in me bearing all their/my pain for all to see. Well it would make me feel better, I’m sure, but I’m trying not to be that guy.

The not so real me 

I suppose I should write the bits that have the real meaning. The parts where I really feel people don’t get me. It’s hard to articulate exactly what I mean. It does all come back to my point: that you always compare yourself to what [you think] everyone else thinks of you.

I am the reluctant leader. I’m happy enough to follow; if I trust the person leading or agree with the direction we are being led. If I know it’s wrong or no-one else seems willing, then I often seem to take the lead, it’s not intentional. Thankfully this has happened less and less since uni. I seem to be in fewer situations where I feel I need to. Maybe it’s because of the type of people I meet these days, or maybe I’m willing to let things ‘go’ more, I could just be getting more disinterested in the direction I’m taking. Of course I could be getting lazier too, heh.

I think people see me as fairly confident? I still find myself doubting everything I do. I’d love to be able to say I don’t care what people think, sadly, I do. I don’t let what they (the big they) think affect me, as much as I can help it anyway, maybe that’s why it’s mistaken for confidence.

Bravado aside, I do want to find someone new and interesting, I’m struggling to see how to do that. Then I have to convince them they want to know me. It all seems like such a slim possibility. But there are an awful lot of people in the world, there surely MUST be someone for everyone and at least a chance you’ll meet them and succeed too. Nah, it does sound a lot to ask, don’t it?

Especially when I try and think when the last time I met someone truly interesting was, I can’t remember (maybe I don’t want to…) I just know it wasn’t yesterday.

I feel sort of lost at the moment. I think I prefer this to feeling restless (I went through a phase last year for about 2 months where I just felt unsettled, it was a horrible ‘I need to escape’ type feeling and I don’t know what provoked it).

I really want to be determined, but I’m not sure I have the guts for it, really I don’t have as strong a stomach as I used to... I need to stop just floating through life. I don’t have a good direction of travel and I’m only just figuring out what I want (very short term desires, I'm sure, that will turn out to be wrong anyway).

Top of my list for a long time has been to meet new and interesting people. The ability to do this has been degrading for some time now. On the plus side I think I’m getting more accepting so in theory more people should fall into that category. I’m still amazed at how many mean people there are. I don’t think I’m one of them.

But I still find I think way too much about everything. It’s probably most apparent when I get into a new relationship; fortunately, I think everyone does this to some extent, so I can hopefully get away with it - next time round. I try to not read meaning into things where there is none, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

I definitely prefer being in a relationship, I know it can be hard but it’s just nice to have someone to come home to, to just know there is someone there and someone who is there just for you. Ahhh, re-assurance is bliss.

Don’t get me wrong, being single is good fun; the freedom to do whatever you want to whoever you want, whenever you like is very powerful. But it’s so hollow to me. You’re not really achieving anything when you’re single (to my mind); you really are just floating through life, even if it can be fun. No wonder I don’t like it much. 

Thankfully, I also think I’m the most stable person I know and aside from feeling lonely, every now and then, I don’t have any real ‘issues’ I need to work out. Unlike almost every woman I’ve ever met and a lot of the guys too! Hehe!

The big BAH**

Here’s the point where all the seriousness must stop. My love of carrots makes me yearn for a far less angsty type approach. The stuff above is all at least mostly true, I know what I mean, anyway. I could end this with some question or things to ponder but I think that would be way too serious and besides, I think that deserves a separate section. Ranting about clowns chasing elephants and the rubbery taste of over-ripe plimsolls does not constitute a less serious discussion, that’s just non-sense. Who am I kidding though; does any of this stuff really matter anyway? And the non-sense stuff is fun. Bah to it all! Stop it. 

Note:

*Meh – no, it’s not a typo. Meh is a great word. It lets you shrug off/dismiss an idea, even though it is probably a good one. It lets you seem cool about something quite shocking. It annoys The Gemma no end. Generally speaking, it’s one of the most useful words known to man. Oh it’s also an emotion; I have definitely felt ‘a bit ~meh’ ;-)

**for those of you who don’t know ‘bah’ is not only the mating call of the greater speckled gecko, but the best phrase to use when things don’t really go your way, but there’s nothing you can do about it. 

P.S.

If you don’t know any of the words I’ve used, there is a possibility I’ve typo’d or made them up. Then again I do know some obscure words requiring a dictionary. I know I’ve used some words incorrectly, but they seem to fit and besides, my vocabulary lacked the right one at the time. I’ll correct it all when I can be bothered re-writing it, aren’t spell checkers a bitch? It all might change tomorrow, so don’t hold your breath.

Synopsis

Sleep is for wimps. It is kinda funny, I bitch and moan about being seen as a strong character. I am one, normally. I think (shhh). You know I may doubt my actions, but I don’t tend to doubt myself. I find that I tell myself what’s going to happen, what I should do and how it’s all gonna work out. I seldom listen to what I have to say, maybe that’s why no-one heeds the advice I give, I am often right, they should listen. I should listen. I am always right when it comes to me, after all.

I feel like the strong person I should be, most of the time. Girls have this effect though, it’s one that I can’t afford. I tend to feel this strong person when I have managed to convince myself I don’t haven the loneliness to fear. Namely when I find a girl, I'm usually so preoccupied with her, how I feel and what the hell I should do, I don’t have any time to sit and think about all the doubts I doubt I should have. It’s all a bit of an irony, I can’t decide when I feel less decisive, doh.

I have real trouble over this being in love thing; well I think it’s more the getting hurt thing.  I dunno, I want to be hurt again, maybe I just want the fun of setting myself up for the fall, it’s such a huge rollercoaster (I don’t even like rollercoaster’s), no, that’s wrong. I want all the good stuff that leads to you getting hurt. Maybe I’ve realised that every relationship is doomed to end badly, so my association between love and pain is complete. All you women of the world, sit down, relax, your work here is done. Her lies a suitably broken guy. Definitely one of my best thought-out paragraphs, this one, yup.

My synopsis of the whole women thing, well it probably ain’t worth much, but it’s neither pretty nor complicated. For some un-known reason the high-maintenance women, the ones that really drive you nuts, are the ones you fall for so badly and the ones that really hurt you badly, you love it. There is no reason for it and you know exactly what you’re doing, but you don’t listen to your head, this be me. Then you get the low maintenance types, the ones who really help you along, look after you without asking anything in return, who you hold dear to your heart and love more then you realise, and yet you can let them go easier and are left to miss their company evermore. The difference seems to be in the longing. I don’t get it (shock). This all harks back to my ambivalence feeling, more about the high maintenance types though, with the low maintenance ones there really is never any doubt how you feel, you just have to figure out why you aren’t sticking around, maybe it’s a lack of excitement or maybe it’s just you get comfortable and don’t know how to handle it. I think I’ll just blame it on being a guy. Why is it that if you list all the things that you hate and compare it with the things that make you love someone, half of them are on both lists??

Hrmph

The DM