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Funerals Having been forced to think about this recently, I don’t know how I want to go about it. I think this is one of those frequent situations where I know what I don’t want, rather than having a proper decision on it. I know I don’t want a religious affair, almost anyone who’s met me must know that? That is 100% for sure. No prayers, no hymns, the best you’re gonna get is a best wishes from the dearly departed. Sorry folks. Some kind of party would be good, although seems a bit passé these days. I should write something worthy of a eulogy, yeah, that would be an ego trip, and I bet I could make any girls that turned up cry. Assuming of course that anyone turns up, I do worry that I’ll go out alone, lost and forgotten, but doesn’t everyone? In fact as long as there’s no organised religion involved, I don’t care, do what ever makes you happy – after all the whole ritualised thing is for those survived, isn’t it? How do you go about questioning your own mortality anyway? Is it just a fear of death? A fear of the unknown?? Or is there a point where you really are just passed caring, like so many things that are just inevitable there comes that point. This all sounds quite morbid, makes it sound as if there’s not much time left. Well is there? Really? I must have told you I'm going to live forever though, didn't I? Well, so far, so good.... Bored I get bored a lot, simple as that. I was told a good quote about it – “boredom is a sign of unused potential” ok, so it sounds like a tag line from a cheesy corporate inspirational poster, but it’s a fair point. Living on my own has not been great for me in a few ways, namely – I’m always behind on washing and other household chores, I spend an alarmingly large amount of time talking to myself and I have trouble filling the hours. In actual fact it’s a fair bet that I wouldn’t have started this website had I had a girlfriend or still been at my folks. Oooh that does sound sad. Well yeah, anyway, I don’t watch much TV, I don’t really like reading (it sends me to sleep and feels like a waste of time) and currently I have a painfully small group of friends from which to draw enthusiasm. Outlook is overcast –ie dull and not great. Ok, Ok Right, I’ve now reached a point where I’m feeling pretty good. I’m passed all the crap about being alone (guess I’ve got used to being single again). That’s not to say it doesn’t still suck to some degree, but the fringe benefits are good. It’s very strange to be feeling like this now, it’s also strange because I think it’s a girl who’s brought me round to this minor epiphany – this can only be bad. The whole feeling is odd, I could probably describe it, and in fact I might, later. It got me thinking about how you can’t predict what you feel for people. At the moment, I have a few women in my life, other than just friends, admittedly none of those closer to me seem to live around here, but what can you do? I think I’m also part of a few situations with them where one cares for the other more – I think I’m on both sides of that one. I don’t know if I like it or not. But (this is the ‘strangely enough’ part) being on the languishing end of one of these scenarios makes me feel quite free and truly passed the issues I had with my previous relationship, and it’s demise. I also have to deal with being on the receiving end of this, not entirely unwanted, attention. Thankfully, I am reasonably guilt free since we have never had any pretence about where our relationships are and where they will lead – there has been no confusion, discussion has focussed on it actually. Then again we also know that talking about things doesn’t make them go away, and people rarely seem to say what they mean. Oh, and you can’t help what you feel. I think I find this a bit of a coincidence – I feel something for someone who does not feel the same (I assume), while someone else feels the same for me which I do not share. Harsh. Is it Karma? I do know it makes me annoyed, annoyed about a few things; namely that I don’t feel the same back, when there is no reason not to – other than I just don’t. Maybe I’m just hard to please and this time have finally found another person I just ‘click’ with, only it’s not mutual – doh. It’s been a while, for me, since I’ve done this. It reminds me of school and all the things that never were (they resided mostly in my head, as did everyone else’s). Nothing is even going on, but it doesn’t change what you think you feel – but does that make it imaginary? Probably an easier (and better thought out) analogy is that of the relationship in ‘Lost in Translation’, the 2 characters find themselves at odds and simply spend a lot of their time with one another, although over only a very condensed timescale, yet they build a relationship and bond quite closely. There is nothing more than what is implied, of course the film allows it culminate into something that (in my experience) doesn’t happen. It usually stays in your head, haunts you a bit. All I can do is relish the feeling, as I don’t think it’ll come again for another very long period of time. I really think it’s been years since I felt so intrigued by someone, maybe this is testament to the kind/number of people I meet these days? It also makes me feel quite stupid for feeling this way, there isn’t any reason for it, it’s just an adolescent crush, for all intents and purposes – until proven otherwise (how’s that for sounding hopeful?!?). It does all come back to some of the other stuff I’ve mumbled about – assuming it IS worth anything – finding someone worth staying with is about feeling these things for them and convincing them they want to feel them too. Maybe the definition should be a teeny bit deeper, but hey, we are just talking about the basic premise. So, I’m now fully engaged in the single way of moping, it’s kind of fun, I’m finding my life is pretty full, if I ignore some of the time I spend in the flat on my own being bored. I still want to find someone, all that this little interlude has done is make me realise that not only am I missing out on something, but it’s also given a new glimmer of reassurance that there are still cool people to meet – ok, I never truly doubted it, but after long enough not meeting any, your faith in the human condition can’t help but waiver. Now I just have to figure out how to meet more people like that. It’s almost tempting to go back to university – those types of institutions seem to breed those kinds of interactions and attract that type of person. Or should I be lazy and dwell on what is only in my head? Well it is the easier option. Don’t worry, this overwhelmingly positive and optimistic outlook is not going to last, I’ll soon start either moping about what wasn’t or what isn’t or what is never likely to be, it’s all good. Yup, it’s likely to do my head in, until the next infatuation worthy proponent appears (as if by magic). Damn I am a guy, a pseudo-adolescent one at that and good at it! I need some kind of respite, from myself. The now me So now all is well and good in the now of me. But am I left a slightly more fragile or scarred version of myself? Do I have loads of extra baggage? Am I emotionally vulnerable to the degree that I fall into some kind of infatuation very easily? Recent experiences point to the answer of that last one – although I would suggest that other experiences of late do disprove that assertion a little. I’ve at least proved that I am better at saying ‘no’ than I used to be. I have tried to steer my life away from the accidental successes and those successes which I’d rather had not happened. Ok, that’s a glamorous way of saying I’m trying to actively get the women I want, and actually reject the ones I don’t. Yeah, I think I should have left it in its more elegant version – which makes me sound less love hungry. But the point still stands. Doing the single thing is pretty cool, there is no doubt I have done things that being in a relationship would have otherwise prohibited. I don’t even mean any level of promiscuity, just general stuff that you can only do when you don’t have to consider a significant other. Random nights out, with random people and with truly random endings. Great fun. There are, of course, more, better points to be made - they all surround the freedom it affords you. Or maybe I should say the freedom some of my previous relationships have not afforded me; as I hope that any further relationships will at least permit a decent degree of freedom. I do still worry that all this stuff is going to make it hard for me to get back into a relationship – maybe that’s the truest definition of ‘baggage’ – at least I still see it as a likely occurrence. Time just seems so short, it seems a shame to waste it looking for someone, yeah, ok, if you find someone then it’s not a waste, but it does seem the time spent looking is going to be time you wished you’d spent with whom ever you find. Maybe that’s a little too deep? I still stand by my statement that this ramble and ranting is just for me, if anyone else reads it, you’re allowed to laugh, I’m just thinking out loud, as it were. I’m not really this insecure or obsessive, honest ‘guv. Further into me I’m back to this introspective thing, trying to figure myself out a bit more and I’ve been thinking about how I interact with different people. I’ve also been relating it back to how I interact in my workplace versus purely socially. It’s strange, is all I can figure out. I find myself being someone I don’t want to be. I feel like I’m being arrogant or patronising sometimes and I hate it, there is no reason for it, it’s not what I mean to do, just feels like that’s how it comes across. I still seem to act quite differently in different circumstances, even down to the group of people I’m in. It could be just me imagining it, but I don’t think so – the kind of person I feel like differs from situation to situation. I hate it when you’re someone you don’t like – gf’s are good at bringing that out. I like entirely new groups, or even just people, they give you the opportunity to paint the person you want to be and try to be that person, I don’t mean lie – they catch you up – I just mean be as funny/smart/interesting to them as you want to, without preconception or baggage. I find that some of my friends have such a coloured view of me, some of it from past, shared experiences, some of it just of their opinion; to the degree that it affects the way we relate. I do realise this is the nature of relationships in general, but it can be exhausting when all you want to do is interact and you have to face their preconceived attitude – it puts you off interacting with them at all. So am I looking at myself in this context? Or am I judging my surroundings and acquaintances? And that would be bad?! You’re not meant to judge, are you? Hmmm, I’ve never fully understood that one really. What exactly is wrong with judging anyone? Ok it’s a bit presumptuous, but all you really risk is being proved wrong and feeling stupid. By far the greatest risk has to be that you believe your own judgement to the point of being prejudiced. Everyone judges and does this anyway, the only thing that is of question is the degree by which they do it. There we go, the cynic shines through. It’s not mean Time for me to be harsh again; it’s not mean if it’s true, though, right? You know how you get people who have neither any supremely likeable or dislikeable features, but you can’t stand them anyway? Is that ok? I do often feel guilty because of it, it’s quite shallow, I think. The best examples are those individuals who have little or no social ability, are generally unappealing/unattractive, and to whom you would simply apply the label ‘sad’. It is really quite insensitive to provide such a label, it’s not mine, I blame society. For some reason ‘geeky’ has recently been the new cool (something I’ll never understand – fads, eugh) which actually works out quite well for me, since I can do both pretty well, when pushed. I have to admit being cool has by far taken precedence over being geeky, recently. Although ‘geeky’ implies you are at least good at something, doesn’t it? Cool just implies apathy. I’m not hugely fussed about this, because when it comes down to it, if you have social choices to make, they are yours to make and your decisions don’t have to survive scrutiny – unless your peers happen to be of the judgemental type, doh! (I’m managing to sound a bit cryptic here, it’s accidental, I’m talking about a recent decision I made to exclude someone from something I was organising, by not inviting them, it was my choice and although I felt some guilt over it, I don’t regret it.) Thinking So I have a few issues about where my life is going, it’s a given, there are lots of opportunities and possibilities few of which appeal and even fewer of which I can see a definite outcome. I don’t have a decent direction, is what it comes down to. Yes, sure, I can stick at what I’m doing now and it’ll probably lead to a not surprising ending, but do I really want to? The fairly obvious answer to that is no. I don’t derive a great amount of enjoyment from what I do for a job, most of the time I find it dull and mundane. There is of course the odd exception, but I’m busy doing the working to live thing (only barely living too!). A recent glimpse into someone else’s life made me quite jealous. I am a fairly reasoned person, so I know the advantages and the bum-aches of their current chosen existence, or at least I can guess them. But it was a much more freely spirited choice of path. It makes you quite envious. It also makes you realise, yet again, how much of a terrifying prospect it is to consider a change of lifestyle, even down to finding a new job. I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. I feel too young to be where I am, I don’t know if I want these responsibilities anymore. That’s not to say I think following your desires to be irresponsible, to me it’s daunting – maybe because I’m not sure what they are. I’ve also pretty much always had the crazy notion that it’s not quite ‘right’ to enjoy yourself when you’re working, I don’t know if that’s come from previous jobs where it was frowned upon to be enjoying it or just my perception of being ‘professional’. Hmmm, I’m gonna have to think about that a bit. I get the feeling I blame a lot on my job, I hope it’s justified and it’s not my approach to it, or living that’s at issue. The way I look at it, my job eats up a lot of my life, most of the people I meet (even though they can be perfectly nice human beings) are older and male. It’s rare that I meet anyone under 40 and of the female variety. Now I’m not being totally gender obsessed here, but really, when everyone you meet is a nearly middle aged engineer and a guy, you really miss decent female company. Of course I also agree that smart is sexy, when it comes to girls, but there are so few it doesn’t even figure into the discussion. So I have to rely on my non-professional (i.e. social) peer group, such as it is, to provide said interaction, at which it fails miserably. I’ve come to the conclusion that the few good friends I have in this sunny city just don’t have many other friends I don’t know and want to meet. So it’s down to me, I must use all the social techniques at my disposal to find new and interesting people. This plainly falls under the ‘get drunk and see what happens’ banner. It’s nae ideal. All this comes down to the fact that something needs to change. Something big needs to change and it needs to happen soon. I don’t know if it’s just me missing having someone or if I’m missing meeting new people. Ironically, I know I’m jealous of a new friend (this may seem at odds, but shhh) since she is able to meet and interact with many new people. In fact through meeting her, it’s made me feel addicted to new people; I want to meet more people like her, which sounds very sad. But this goes back to my profession – you vary rarely come across anyone you could describe as a ‘free spirit’, which she certainly is. Ho-hum. So what do I do? I am not in a great financial situation at the moment, which sucks, but I’m trying to not use it as an excuse. I’m doing some thinking and trying not to be lazy about it, but I need to be pro-active in some way. I should probably join a club or get a new interest or something. But I have no idea what it should be. Maybe I should change jobs? Do something completely different?? Nah, that sounds a bit too scary – besides that, I need the money. |